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Old 22-08-10, 13:56
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Default Led by your children?

To what degree are you led by your children? I decided today that I need to try saying 'yes' more often, but as soon as I decided I started doubting myself. What if all Kaya wants to do is watch DVDs? What if she just keeps asking for sweets? (Bear in mind she's only 2.5 years lol)

So how often do you say 'yes' to your kids and where do you draw the line?
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Old 22-08-10, 14:18
Earthtracer Earthtracer is offline
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The line needs to be drawn by you! I think the important point in your post is that there does have to be a line. Children need boundaries and they need rules, too, so that they have a structure, or framework, which they can recognise and which is familiar to them. It doesn't - of course! - mean they will not try to challenge the lines, and that is as it should be.
Most of the badly behaved, rude and really unpleasant children I have ever met have been those who had no framework within which to operate and live their lives. One minute they were allowed to do or have something, next minute, or day, they were told 'no' and the result (OMG I nearly wrote 'outcome' - aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!) is always confusion and unhappiness.
Actually, I believe we all need recognisable limits. We like routine, even though it may be a routine unrecognisable to others!
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Old 22-08-10, 19:10
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You may find it useful to follow these links. I do like Sandra Dodd's recommendation on her site which is "Read a little, try a little, wait a while, watch."

If I let him, he would never...
If I let him, he would always...
If I let him, he would do nothing but...

http://sandradodd.com/ifilet

http://sandradodd.com/unschooling.html

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/

There are other links to follow as well on Joyce's site. Lots and lots to read and explore.

Sandra has two books out The Big Book of Unschooling and also Moving a Puddle, both of which can be bought from her on her site as well as elsewhere.

My children don't lead me and I don't lead them we grow and live together. Hope that helps.

Kind Regards, Elaine
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Old 22-08-10, 19:16
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The thing that sticks in my head the most from what I've read over the years is Choose Joy.

Elaine x
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Old 22-08-10, 20:50
elizm elizm is offline
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Hi there,

I'm new here and consequently agree with everything everyone else said.

Though really I do. It's only recently that I've fully understood how boundaries are sought by all of us, especially by children who are learning about the world and like to learn chunks so do set their own limits and like to take advice. I've never really bought into the "children need boundaries so we must impost them argument" They way we enable them to see where their own boundaries are is important. Of course the old "stop the child from running under a bus boundary is not up for debate".

We take "yes" approach but I have found that the children need boundaries and that they set them carefully themselves usually by taking our advice. While we don't give permission for most things they do as "can I" this usually means "Do you think I should?"

Sometimes "yes" means "of course. that'll be so much fun"
Sometimes it means "yes, I really want you to be able to do that, now we need to think of a way hmmm"
Sometimes it means "yes I want you to do that/have that but I'm tired right now, so can we talk about a way to have it that works for both or us"

Yes can mean all sorts of things but starting there helps.
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Old 23-08-10, 08:30
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I guess I try to say yes as often as possible.

When I instictively want to say no I ask myself why?

Is it an automatic response, something I'm saying because I can't be bothered thinking about it?
Am I saying no because I'm in a bad mood?
Would I normally say yes?
What is my reason for saying no? Is it a good reason and what would happen if I say yes, or offer an alternative instead?
Am I saying no to things the children ask but that they frequently see me doing myself - if so maybe I should say yes to them and or no to myself more often? (particularly true of buying snack foods in shops!)
Am I being influenced by others to be inconsistent? Ie Would normally say yes but am worried about what others think so say no instead?)
Expect child to kick up a fuss if I am inconsistent - because that comes across as just being unfair!
Why is the child asking for something? Are they hungry, bored, need some of my company etc. Is there another alternative that suits us both.
If an adult asked the question would it seem reasonable? What would I say - am I being unfairly influenced by their age and my own position of power?

I guess my approach is that the girls are people who I want to learn to take responsibility for themselves and make their own decisions, but we do all live in the same house, so as with any one else I live with I expect us to be able to get along.
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Old 23-08-10, 09:26
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I'm really torn now. I really like some of the aspects of unschooling, but there's no way I could just give my kids free rein. There are certain things that I simply won't allow, such as violent video games, playing with guns, snatching etc. So how much unschooling do you need to do for it to work?
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Old 23-08-10, 09:31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by knorman View Post
I guess I try to say yes as often as possible.

When I instictively want to say no I ask myself why?

Is it an automatic response, something I'm saying because I can't be bothered thinking about it?
Am I saying no because I'm in a bad mood?
Would I normally say yes?
What is my reason for saying no? Is it a good reason and what would happen if I say yes, or offer an alternative instead?
Am I saying no to things the children ask but that they frequently see me doing myself - if so maybe I should say yes to them and or no to myself more often? (particularly true of buying snack foods in shops!)
Am I being influenced by others to be inconsistent? Ie Would normally say yes but am worried about what others think so say no instead?)
Expect child to kick up a fuss if I am inconsistent - because that comes across as just being unfair!
Why is the child asking for something? Are they hungry, bored, need some of my company etc. Is there another alternative that suits us both.
If an adult asked the question would it seem reasonable? What would I say - am I being unfairly influenced by their age and my own position of power?

I guess my approach is that the girls are people who I want to learn to take responsibility for themselves and make their own decisions, but we do all live in the same house, so as with any one else I live with I expect us to be able to get along.
This sounds like what I'm thinking. I know I say no because I'm in a bad mood, can't be bothered etc. and that needs to change. I like your questions for yourself, I may steal them.
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Old 23-08-10, 13:36
Diane Diane is offline
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I guess it's a matter of maturity too. My two are teens and know what they want mostly. If they need my help, they just ask. But I trust them not to do things which will damage themselves or hurt others.

This society is not good at trusting children. That's why a lot of children turn out untrustworthy.

Diane
http://www.threedegreesoffreedom.blogspot.com
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Old 30-08-12, 11:44
Wonder Worksheets Wonder Worksheets is offline
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It is totally your decision, I mean parents can do what they want to their kids but the best parents know when to say yes and when to say no. You need to decide what is mentally and physically healthy for your child and then response accordingly. I hope this helped.
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