[NOTE: This post should not be taken seriously and those who suffer from sense of humour deficit should look away now.]

Bloody vegetarians! They have absolutely no idea what damage they might be causing their children by refusing to allow them to eat meat. As for vegans, well they are completely irresponsible and everyone knows it’s just not “normal”.

Although I am broadly in favour of supporting the well meaning but nutty minority of parents who choose vegetarianism and somehow manage to offer a broad and balanced meat free diet for their children, it is the rights of the child that concern me most. I mean, children must always be consulted and given an opportunity to have their voices heard on dietary matters, unless of course they are part of a conventionally carnivorous loving family.

Although the vast majority of vegetarian parents may appear to be doing a good job, who can tell what might be masquerading as lunch in their fridge? It certainly seems to me, and no doubt most other right thinking people who read all these horror stories about child abuse in the newspapers, that some parents are bound to be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Some are undoubtedly using vegetarianism as an excuse to deny their children essential nutrients and minerals and to ban trips to burger bars with their “normal” meat eating peers.  In a worst case scenario, they might even be using it as a cover for the deliberate starvation of their children.

Bad outcomes become all the more likely if the children are under school age and during the long summer holidays where the lunch box police are not around to maintain a close watch on those who may be guilty of crimes against nutrition. It makes sense, therefore, to send officials into the private homes of all vegetarians to demand diet sheets, inspect family fridges and quiz children (without their parents being present) about the types of food they are given to eat in order to make sure they are not suffering undue nutritional neglect.

Everyone agrees that ensuring a broad and balanced diet for all children is a “good thing” and it is clear that a small but significant minority of vegetarian parents are selfishly putting their children at risk of failing to “meat” their outcomes: be healthy, stay safe, enjoy and achieve, make a positive contribution, achieve economic well-being. Vegetarianism, and most especially veganism, represent a disproportionate health risk to children and so all such unconventional feeding regimes  should be presented to the authorities for official approval, then closely monitored to ensure that the children measure up to their carnivorous peers, especially in terms of height, weight and dental health averages. Every vegetarian and vegan child matters, after all.

The vociferous minority that make up the vegetarian and vegan lobby, and that especially dangerous subset whose members are even more inclined towards unchecked autonomous feeding methods (like eating when hungry), just don’t seem to get the fact that their dietary choice may be used by some parents as a cover for child abuse. In particular, the force feeding of of aubergines, sprouts and pulses, excessive vegetable peeling duties that are tantamount to domestic servitude,  and an overall denial of that fundamental human right to enjoy a Big Mac along with large fries have all been flagged up by the NSPCC (National Society for the Promotion of Carnivorism in Childhood) as placing vegetarian children at disproportionate risk of dietary harm. Their research, funded by the Big Burger Foundation, has found that vegetarianism may increase the incidence of childhood rickets, anaemia, slow growth and osteoporosis, while meat eating carries a reduced risk of succumbing to these particular ailments.

Vegans must be considered a particular threat to carnivorous cohesion (and the very future of the cheeseburger) as they eschew dairy products as well as the flesh of dead animals, and it is frankly a disgrace that such diets have been allowed to go unchecked in private family dwellings for so long. It is surely time for an urgent inquiry into dietary deficiencies in the vegetarian community so that compulsory support can be imposed on all those who are identified as being “service resistant” as they obviously have something to hide.

In my next post I will argue for the regulation and routine monitoring of Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Asians, Scots, Americans, gay people, non vaccinators, single parents, dog owners and that most dangerous minority of all, home educators. Teachers, social workers, youth workers, police officers and other trusted professionals with CRB checks have already demonstrated that they are a special case and I have already advocated that they should all, without exception, be subject to regular unannounced swoops and searches of their private homes and personal computers on the off chance that a few of them may be offering unhealthy treats to children. Anyone in any doubt should pay more close attention to Coronation Street storylines.